


Cut it out

by Imqueerandfilledwithfeaf



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Mentions of suicude, Sadness in general, Self Harm, Therapy, i wrote this while i was having my fifth mental breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:47:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27557848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imqueerandfilledwithfeaf/pseuds/Imqueerandfilledwithfeaf
Summary: I dealt with self harm and I was looking through the stories and none of them really felt accurate, so I wrote my own.!!MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!! !!SELF HARM!! !!MENTIONS OF SUICIDE!! please don't read if you get triggered by this. Also if you dealt with this, please don't self harm anymore. Trust me, your worth it. It's gunna be hard, but get some help. You're not weak if you ask for help.
Relationships: None





	Cut it out

tap tap tap tap 

There was a pair of feet that would not stop tapping. That pair of feet belonged to Lauren Mcalester. Lauren Mcalester tapped her feet against the tiled floor “This is stupid. I shouldn’t be here.”   
Lauren thought. 

Tap tap tap tap tap   
The tapping sped up. She looked down at the clipboard in her lap and sighed. Lauren tapped the tip of her pen against her clipboard. She slowed down her foot tapping so it was more in sync with the pen. 

Tap went her foot

Tap went her pen

Tap, went her foot and so on. Bubblegum Bitch was playing over the speaker 

I think I want ya   
Your American tan   
I think you’re gunna be   
My biggest fan 

Lauren lip synced along, trying to distracted herself 

Ah sugar pink licka licka lips  
Hit me with you sweet love   
Steal me with a kiss  
Ah sugar pink licka licka lips   
I’m gonna be your bubblegum bitch 

One of the office doors swung open and Lauren held her breath.   
“Caleb?” The doctor called. Lauren sighed. A boy around her age shuffled towards the doctor. He looked about as uncomfortable as her. Lauren felt a little bit relieved. Only a little though. She looked back down at the clipboard in her lap and attempted to fill out some of the questions. She couldn’t. Laured lifted her hand to her mouth and started to pick at her lips, peeling the top layer of skin off.   
“My god, how many times do I have to tell you, stop that.” The girl sitting next to her swatted at Lauren’s hand and she immediacy dropped them   
“Sorry Daisy.” She muttered. A door swung open again. A young woman in her late twenties stepped out. She had brown hair swept over one shoulder, a clipboard in her hands.   
“Lauren Mcalester?” She called. Lauren stood up, clutching her clipboard to her chest, Daisy right behind her.   
“C’mon now, don’t just stand there people are looking at you, and the lady will hate you if you keep her waiting. Go. My god.” She whispered in Lauren’s ear so no one else could hear her. No one else ever heard her. Lauren followed the lady out of the waiting room and down a hall. Lauren was only a couple steps behind, dragging the tip of her finger against the wall lightly. “Stop that, people will think you're weird.” Daisy hissed in her ear. Lauren stopped. The lady stopped at the door of one of the rooms. 123, Lauren noted. The lady opened the door and stepped inside, Lauren followed. The room had pall yellow walls and baby blue carpeting. Lush chairs and a couch were placed in the room, with a glass coffee table in between the couch and the chairs. The coffee table had a couple of fidget toys on it.   
“Have a seat.” The lady said as she sat in one of the chairs. Lauren sat gingerly on the couch. Daisy sat next to her.   
“I’m doctor Hali, but you can call me Hali, only when you're comfortable with that, of course.” Lauren nodded stiffly.   
“Ok.” She said. Hali smiled   
“Ok Lauren. Is it ok if I call you Lauren?”   
Lauren nodded. Hali smiled again.   
“Alright. So how have you been? How has your day been?”   
“Fine.” Lauren said. The response automatic.  
“No you’re not, are you really just gonna sit there and lie to her? She’ll never trust you again if she finds out.” Daisy hissed in her ear again. Lauren ignored her.   
“That's good,” Dr. Hali said and smiled. She smiled a lot.   
“So you transferred to me from another doctor. The doctor told me a couple of things. How has your arm been healing up?” Lauren looked at a spot above doctor Hali’s head.   
“Answer the question you idiot. She’s going to find out anyways if you keep silent. It’s not really a big deal. Stop being so overdramatic.” Daisy whispered to her.   
”Lauren?” Hali asked her softly. Lauren bit the inside of her cheek. She still didn’t answer, her vision having blurred and her throat having closed up.   
“Oh great and now she’s about to cry. Stop it oh my god. No wonder everyone hates you, you’re so sensitive. God calm down. It’s really not that big of a deal.” Daisy continued on. But Lauren didn’t hear her. Or at least she tried. She squeezed her eyes shut and clamped her hands over her ears.   
“Lauren, it’s ok, we don’t have-“ Hali tried to say but stopped as Lauren stood up abruptly.   
“I-I I can’t.” She choked out and rushed out of the room. Daisy following her.   
“ why did you do that? Did you get scared? Of course you did. You get scared of every little thing. It’s a real wonder people even are about you. Honestly why should they? Why would they?” Daisy continued. Lauren only half listened. She rushed down the halls and burst back into the waiting room. Electric Love was playing on the speaker   
Baby you’re like lightning in a bottle  
Lauren dropped her clipboard on the front desk and hurried to the exit   
And all I need is to be stuck   
By your electric love 

Lauren pushed the front doors open and the cold November air bit at her. She ignored it and ran to her car. She opened the drivers door and shoved herself in, slamming the door shut. Lauren pulled her knees up to her chest and put her head on her knees, crying. Tears were streaming down her face and her throat hurt from trying to keep her sobs in.   
“YOU'RE SO GODDAMN PATHETIC. YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT THROUGH ONE SESSION. ONE. ONE SESSION” Daisy roared beside her. Lauren fumbled with the cup holder and pulled out a pocket knife she kept there.   
“OH HERE WE GO WITH THIS. STOP IT. CAN’T YOU GO THROUGH ONE DAY WITHOUT THIS? YOU'RE SO DEPENDENT ON IT. HONESTLY, WOULD IT KILL YOU TO GO ONE DAY WITHOUT THIS? OH WAIT, IT PROBABLY WOULD” Daisy yelled at her. Lauren rolled up her sleeve. She took the knife and sliced her skin. She did it again. The pain hurt, but it felt good, in a morbid, twisted way. But then again, this whole thing was morbid and twisted to Lauren. Cutting your skin like paper. She felt like paper, most days, able to rip and crumple easily, so fragile and delicate, you don’t know what's going to hurt it. Daisy still, would not shut up.   
“SEE WHAT YOU DID TO YOURSELF. LOOK AT IT. YOU'LL HAVE TO HIDE IT TILL THE CUTS HEAL. GOD. YOU ARE SUCH A DUMBASS” 

“SHUT UP” Lauren yelled back   
“Please, just shut up and go away” she sobbed, the knife still trembling in her hands. Daisy drew back a little. “Fine. But I’ll always be there. In the back of your mind. Reminding you of who you are. You can never get rid of me.” With that, Daisy left, and a girl with a rounder face and kinder eyes reached to put a hand on Lauren’s shoulder from the backseat.   
“Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok, calm down. It will be ok. Everyone goes through tough times. The cuts will heal with time, just like everything else will, you’ll heal with time to. You’ll get better. It will get better, trust me.” Sarah comforted.   
“Thank you.” Lauren said. She continued to cry though, sobbing to the empty car. Eventually she would heal, with time. With time, the voices in her head will learn to shut up. But for now, she needed help silencing them, and that was ok. She’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. It will all be ok, Lauren reminded herself

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, or, if you were looking for angst, found it. Songs are   
> Bubblegum Bitch by Marina Diamandis / Rick Nowels  
> and  
> Electric love by Børns
> 
> If you're in this situation, please, please, please reach out for help. It's scary, but it will get better.


End file.
